All my life I have tried to figure out the difference between fantasy and reality. I grew up with a mother who lived in a fantasy world. She instilled me this idea that Prince Charming will come along and sweep me off of my feet and we will live happily ever after. While I love that I had dreams growing up I wish I could have seen the reality that was right in front of me.
For the first 8 or so years of my life I had the perfect family. I had my mom, dad, little brother and a new baby sister. One day my world was turned upside down. My parents were divorcing. My dad was gone. Then I was told the man I grew to know as my dad wasn't my biological father. Then to top it all off the "man" who was biologically my "father" wants to meet me, from behind prison bars.
Here I am thrown from a typical perfect family into one where my "father" is a convict. My mom kept me from the man I called Dad. Insisted that this was my new family, my "real" family. I was unsure of the whole thing but being only 8 it made things kind of hard to really hard to completely understand. I met this whole new side of my "family". People that knew I existed but that I had never met before, strangers that I was supposed to love.
I remember wondering why my brother didn't miss out on seeing our Dad. He got to see him and as hard as the divorce was for him he still had both parents. I was insanely jealous. I didn't know what to make of this new "father". I hated the fact that I had to visit him in prison. Towards the end of his sentence he was allowed furlough visits. He came and stayed with us for the weekend. He still felt like a stranger to me.
My mother got pregnant as soon as he was out of prison. Next thing I know there is a wedding being planned. My fantasy-living mother says that this the happy ending, this is where our family is going to be whole again. I wasn't so sure.
As it turns out I was right. Long story short- He was an abusive alcoholic. He ruined Christmas for the family one year in an alcoholic rage where he trashed our house. My mother took him back time and time again claiming that he was her soul mate and that she couldn't let him go. Finally she did and they split. They never officially divorced but a few years later he committed suicide. I was 15 when it happened. My reality sucked... I wished I could live in the fantasy world my mom did.
I never realized how out of touch from reality my mother was till later in life.
I guess I never had the experience of what a true marriage is like. I remember few things from my younger years with my Dad. Although having him in my life now is the best thing in the world. He may have missed out on some of my formative years but he has become one of my best friends. He has helped mw thru some major ups and downs over the last 10 years that we've been reconnected. I wish he could have been there the whole time and in my fantasy world he was. But in reality he is here now and that's really all that matters to me.
In my fantasy world I have always had the perfect family but in reality I think I do now!
**Dedicated to my Dad (you know who you are!) for inspiring me to write and being the best Dad in the whole world!**
No comments:
Post a Comment